The Single Journey (Again)

Last week’s Clubhouse session was by far the most illuminating by way of subject matter and discussion.

I began with the analogy of a car that has broken down. The car is of course your long-term relationship. You and your co-passenger are now standing in the middle of the road, looking at the broken down car, and wondering, what next? When a relationship breaks down you suddenly realize you have to recalibrate all kinds of factors in your life. Do you change direction? Do you change goals? Do you look for a new partner? What should be the natural progression of events or milestones in your life now that you are single again?

Healing

First and foremost, I think we all agreed that you have to HEAL.

Expect to feel the following:

• Like something is missing

• A void

• Numbness

• Physical pain

When something as significant as a long-term relationship breaks up, you may have no idea how to get going again as an individual. A lot of people have always identified as a “half” of a couple. Because of this, you may have never experienced being a “whole” person by yourself.

Many people simply drown themselves in work.

Others wallow, or become depressed.

As human beings each of us has different coping mechanisms that may or may not be the greatest. And we wander around, wounds gaping wide, bleeding all over the place. 

What makes healing possible:

• Know that “this too will pass” - because it always does.

• Deal with that voice in your head that says you’re not good enough - replace it with all the wonderful things you really are.

• Be curious about yourself and what inspires you - discover who you are!

• Trust your resilience - know that you will get back up again, that it is just a matter of time.

• Listen to your body - don’t overdo things. When your mind is tired, your body will feel it too. And it is okay to rest.

Brick by brick, you will put your brokenness back together. You will build a new and improved version of you and become who you really are.

Independence

One of the members spoke about scaffolding, which I thought was a lovely analogy. Every building requires a scaffolding to support it as it rises tall. Similarly, build scaffolding to support you in your rise and growth towards version 2.0 (or 3.0 or 4.0 or 5.0… you get my drift).

• Set yourself small goals and achieve them, one step at a time.

• Take time to be “still” and just feel your energy levels.

• Put yourself first when you’re making decisions.

• Work - make yourself productive. 

• Learn a new skill.

And if you start thinking you’re ready to have someone in your life now, remember this, as one member put it: “Get used to your own independence before asking someone else to get used to it!”

Self Improvement 

Being single, again, is an opportunity! This is your chance to really mould yourself into that fine specimen of a human being that you envision you can be. This is your opportunity to build your best self. “Be the change”!

• Pay attention to what inspires you and draw more of it into your life. For me, this was people and others like me, whose experiences and energies I could tap into.

• Give of yourself - there is nothing as enriching as giving. 

• Learn gratitude - for everything and above all, the opportunity that has presented itself.

• Open up - to receive love and friendship.

• Examine your baggage and choose what you can dump and what you would like to carry with you.

Become that person with whom you could fall in love. After all, if you don’t love you, then how can you expect someone else to come in and do so?

Trust your Body

Learn to understand what your body tells you. From headaches to stomach upsets, asthma and joint pain, everything has underlying psychosomatic underpinnings. When your body feels pain or unease, it is trying to tell you something. The mind and body do not live independent of each other. They are a part of you. Look up holistic healing and work on paying more attention to your gut, for example, when you meet someone new, or take up a new job. 

I don’t want to dwell too much on this as it is an entire concept that requires much explanation. But if you even get a sense of what I’m saying, then just run with it. Or here’s a link to get you started!

The Unapologetic Self

Being true to yourself, is a sign that you are really doing well on your solo trip! When you can stop apologizing for breathing and taking up space, when you can give with compassion and co-exist without expectations, is when you can be you in all your true, beautiful colours.

When you are here, you stop judging people, and stop caring whether they are judging you. You value people for what they bring into your life and you give them back what you can. You start consciously making space for a partner.

There is always room for error and you may not always get it right. But Because you are now compassionate towards yourself, and towards others, you know that life is not simple. That it may take many attempts before getting anything right.

“Enjoy being yourself, by yourself, truly in your singleness and your aloneness. In that process we learn: how we like to be treated and cared for, because we learn to do it for ourselves.”

Trust your energies. Build your empathy. Take a few risks!

Attracting an Appropriate Partner

You cannot force anyone into a relationship. And you cannot let anyone force you into one. You have to know very clearly from your gut to your racing mind, whether you would like to explore something with someone and whether they want that too.

When you find yourself in a space where you can be unapologetically you, and the best version of yourself, you will automatically attract the right partner. Remember, after all this work and all these milestones, and all this building, you will probably want a partner who has traveled a similar path. 

And when you find them, don’t forget all this work you’ve done! Don’t make assumptions that just because you’ve danced the first dew dances that they will still want to save the last dance for you. You will always have to bring in that attitude of gratitude for what is good in the NOW. Everything is transient in this world, as the Gta tells us. So, all we can do is trust that the now is good and do our best towards a series of “nows” that are good too.

There will always be goals that are yours alone. There will always be goals that only belong to your partner. How you dance together will determine how you travel together.

Happy Journeys!