The Architecture of Pain... and other things

As human beings, we have the incredible ability to emote and express. To feel and to react to those feelings.

We also have the ability to process. This last one has me reeling sometimes.

When someone pokes a finger in your side, there is a visceral reaction as well as the mindful reaction. The instinctive, physiological one is to withdraw from the stimulus. The processor inside our heads quickly scans the input and intention with which the said stimulus was delivered and the mind is aware that it is not a threat. So just as we shirk from the poke, we smile at it too. Seemingly contradictory, our reactions are, however, a product of perception on two levels, a mind-body one.

Similarly, if someone hurts us emotionally, we still react from a mind-body position. Simply because that is what we are wired to do. One cannot exist or function to its capacity without the other. Interdependent systems. So when someone says something that hurts us emotionally, we feel it in our bodies. Sometimes in our chest, other times in the gut, and other places (I have frequently felt pain in the centre of my palms. I have not researched this, but I feel it is significant too. Well – all pain is significant and needs addressing).

The same is true of happy stuff too. Someone says loving things, encouraging things, showers appreciation and praise, we feel all of these in our bodies. Haven’t you heard the phrase “her chest swelled with pride”? So there’s the emotion of pride coursing through our brain which then courses through our bodies and causes chests to swell (or feel expanded at any rate!). And conversely, a soothing touch, tight hug, and various other forms of positive physical stimuli affect the emotions we feel in our heads. It is no coincidence that therapists often recommend massages as part of treatment options for people who suffer from stress.

All these experiences, causes and effects on affect, are known to us, consciously or subconsciously. When we are conscious of them we are more able to appreciate, understand, and – to some extend – control them. Again, another uniquely human ability (well, I don’t know about the ability of dolphins and chimps to process and rethink reactions to stimuli).

I have been told or I have heard that it is a sign of maturity (more developed brain?) when we are able to “control” our reactions, or moderate them. Babies cannot do this. The baby or infantile (reptile) brain cannot control its feelings. Has anyone watched that incredible movie that just released: ‘Inside Out’? How beautifully it shows the birth and evolution of our primary emotions: joy, anger, disgust, sadness and fear. All these are designed to keep us safe as we grow and discover our environment. In our continuous search for joyful experiences we are safeguarded by anger, fear, disgust and sadness so that we are able to make considered choices and therefore ensure greater survival rates.

With reference and respect to the personification of emotions as represented in the above mentioned movie, ‘Inside Out,’ I will proceed to refer to emotions in the form of pronouns.

Unfortunately, Pain is a large part of human experience which leads us to filter environmental stimuli as we proceed on the journey of life. Pain teaches us a few things, primary amongst which is avoidance. Pain is a feeling that is in direct connection to the emotion of Fear. Fear learns that Pain is to be avoided. So once you’ve burnt your fingers for the first time, Fear understands that fire must be avoided. So if we extrapolate this learning to all things painful, both physical and emotional, then we learn to avoid many things in life. But we cannot constantly “live in fear” now, can we? Because if we do, then Joy has no chance. Fear can sometimes be debilitating. Too many painful experiences can cause fear of anything unknown, and not just of what has been experienced. Luckily human beings have an innate thirst for adventure which invariably surfaces... Hope.

Joy loves Hope. And it is important as human beings to not let go of this great ability we have for resilience.

I read a note somewhere on how we humans are not here to be perfect, but to experience everything – the pain and the joy – in all its glory. And that’s exactly right. Feeling, as long as we can do it, is important.

Sometimes I think when we feel too much, and our bodies have felt too much and our brains cannot process the feelings and emotions anymore, we enter a state of “numbness”. A temporary cocooning constructed to keep ourselves safe and without feeling until we are able to deal with the pain causing stimulus. Some pain is too great to process quickly and remove, avoid or smile about. Some pain is insidious and we come upon it unexpectedly in the middle of a happy day, playing catch in the park, or sleeping soundly in the cotton-wool embrace of loving dreams.

But, as every person who has ever been cocooned knows, we emerge the stronger and more beautiful for it... if we survive it. There is always the danger of not emerging. Words like “depression” have been bandied about enough for us to know that some of us prefer to stay in there, safe and away from it all. But even that cannot hold forever. Something always gives.

It would be my wish that everyone who has experienced this chooses Joy and Hope beckoning in the distance over Fear and Sadness sitting at the door. Disgust with ourselves is so easy to fall prey to. Disgust is ever ready to point out our flaws and tell us we are not worthy (this also has a lot to do with other things such as attachment schemas) and if we are going to listen to that, then Despair is not far away.

So where I am going with this is that there is no easy way to deal with Pain. Pain is essential to our individual growth. We temper pain with other emotions and survive it with the help of Hope and Joy, but it is just as likely that some of us don’t, won’t, or cannot do it. And instead of being gentle with ourselves we are disgusted. And Hello, Despair!

I want to tell you (and myself) that this is OK. Emotions are evolutionary, helpful, protective and beneficial. The feelings associated with them also have similar functions. If we can but see this, we can accept ourselves and how we feel without judging ourselves. To acknowledge that everything we feel is OKAY, FINE, and ACCEPTABLE, is incredibly important. Hello, SELF LOVE!

And with self love come healing. And with healing comes Hope. And soon Joy will follow, and we are ready to burst out of the cocoon, spread the proverbial wings, fly and do it all over again! But this time, with a prior knowledge of what it is all about and accepting of it all. This is life. Life is a crazy mix of emotions. A rollercoaster if you will. It’s fun. Ride it.