Venting against Tips on Parenting
As usual my blog comes after a long gap of months (years?).
I was luxuriating in a lie-in, thinking to myself, how wonderful everything is, and how nice it is to have a sense of peace and serenity and well-being after the kids have gone to school. And I was pondering all of this, aware that these feelings are temporary and it would not be long before I experienced the anxiety that usually accompanies everything I do every day. And I had dismissed that nagging thought and determined to enjoy my fleeting feeling of fulfillment while it lasted. And the phone pinged.
It was a Whatsapp message (yes those things that are anyway bound to up anxiety levels - what is it with Social Media!?). This one was from a friend with a link to an article about 51 things NOT to do as a parent. I swear and vow that whoever writes these articles are not parents or that they are some sanctimonious, self-righteous, suffocating all-knowing surrogates. For EVERYONE who is a parent, that I know of (and I know a lot of parents), is given to self-doubt, constant self criticism, and a fear of failing. We all know very well that we are not perfect. But really - to tell us what to NOT say?
That one is just the tip of the iceberg that is Tips on Parenting.
In today's world, being a parent is just abut the toughest thing to do.
Invariably a double income is required to meet the crazy school fees, the extra curricular activities, and the gazillion things that go into the category of "living expenses".
In a city like Bangalore, being a parent, especially a mother who works, has no benefits whatsoever. Unless of course you work for that magical MNC that supports women in the workforce with maternity leave, days off whenever needed, a work-from-home facility, and sometimes even day care. But for most of us* it's a job that demands you work from 10 to 8. You would be happy to start your day at 8 after you've seen your kids off to school, walked the dog and cleaned up after breakfast. But no; lazy India doesn't work like that. Lazy India wants to be seen as hard working by keeping their employees in the office until 9pm every night. So what if they stroll in casually at 11 am?
Anyway - so being a part of the workforce trying to make enough to support your children's lifestyle is just ONE tough thing.
Bring on the football mom hat. In the US they have a fond nickname for those moms who spend their lives carting their kids from one activity to another. Football moms.
In Bangalore, if you actually do it yourself, you're a miracle mom. It's a competition of how-much-is-my-kid-doing-more-than-your-kid. And boy, you have one great looking score card if it's you doing all the running around for your kids.
Ever listen in on a conversation between a bunch of parents waiting at a PTM?
Poorva: Oh, I have to finish fast and go, I have to take Zara for her Guitar class, after which she has ballet and then her tuition class."
Apoorva: "Oh, I know it's so hard. My poor Pooja does all that and has her exams plus Kumon and all. I wish I had a driver like you!"
[I guess my kids are the ones who come home, roll around reading comic books, play with the dog and squabble over Monopoly.]
Then there's the socially conscious hat, the nutritionist hat, the psychologist hat, the event manager hat, substitute teacher hat, mediator hat, ...and boy I could go on - but you all know that the list can be a really long one and we've all heard enough about that too. Seriously. I mean, the socially conscious hat is always struggling with teaching manners versus doing what's right. The nutritionist hat will not allow you to supplant dal-rice with Maggi. The psychologist hat just wants to be eaten.
So, in the speedy juggling of several hats, if we are going to have a book of How to Parent thrown in, guess what? It throws us.
That chewed up psychologist hat has to come out and insist on some serious introspection and how in retrospect we all suck. And boy! How to keep juggling if you think you suck?
And you know what - I don't think that we do. We are all trying really really hard to just keep our heads above water. Do we have principles? Yes. Do we live by them? As far as possible. Are the children happy and healthy? We try and do what it takes to ensure this. Do we respect them as individuals? Yes - for the most part!
And we are tired of books and articles telling us how to get it right!
You know, NO-ONE (and I don't care who thinks they have got it down pat - they simply don't) can get being a parent right unless they are not one. What I mean is you can run all the studies you like, pontificate until the cows come home, come to all kinds of very rational conclusions and recommendations, but, at the end of the day, only a parent that is present, who is involved in their child's life, is on duty come rain or shine, knows.
So don't spout your Harvard, Hampshire, Oxford bullshit at me. I'm not impressed.
I was luxuriating in a lie-in, thinking to myself, how wonderful everything is, and how nice it is to have a sense of peace and serenity and well-being after the kids have gone to school. And I was pondering all of this, aware that these feelings are temporary and it would not be long before I experienced the anxiety that usually accompanies everything I do every day. And I had dismissed that nagging thought and determined to enjoy my fleeting feeling of fulfillment while it lasted. And the phone pinged.
It was a Whatsapp message (yes those things that are anyway bound to up anxiety levels - what is it with Social Media!?). This one was from a friend with a link to an article about 51 things NOT to do as a parent. I swear and vow that whoever writes these articles are not parents or that they are some sanctimonious, self-righteous, suffocating all-knowing surrogates. For EVERYONE who is a parent, that I know of (and I know a lot of parents), is given to self-doubt, constant self criticism, and a fear of failing. We all know very well that we are not perfect. But really - to tell us what to NOT say?
That one is just the tip of the iceberg that is Tips on Parenting.
In today's world, being a parent is just abut the toughest thing to do.
Invariably a double income is required to meet the crazy school fees, the extra curricular activities, and the gazillion things that go into the category of "living expenses".
In a city like Bangalore, being a parent, especially a mother who works, has no benefits whatsoever. Unless of course you work for that magical MNC that supports women in the workforce with maternity leave, days off whenever needed, a work-from-home facility, and sometimes even day care. But for most of us* it's a job that demands you work from 10 to 8. You would be happy to start your day at 8 after you've seen your kids off to school, walked the dog and cleaned up after breakfast. But no; lazy India doesn't work like that. Lazy India wants to be seen as hard working by keeping their employees in the office until 9pm every night. So what if they stroll in casually at 11 am?
Anyway - so being a part of the workforce trying to make enough to support your children's lifestyle is just ONE tough thing.
Bring on the football mom hat. In the US they have a fond nickname for those moms who spend their lives carting their kids from one activity to another. Football moms.
In Bangalore, if you actually do it yourself, you're a miracle mom. It's a competition of how-much-is-my-kid-doing-more-than-your-kid. And boy, you have one great looking score card if it's you doing all the running around for your kids.
Ever listen in on a conversation between a bunch of parents waiting at a PTM?
Poorva: Oh, I have to finish fast and go, I have to take Zara for her Guitar class, after which she has ballet and then her tuition class."
Apoorva: "Oh, I know it's so hard. My poor Pooja does all that and has her exams plus Kumon and all. I wish I had a driver like you!"
[I guess my kids are the ones who come home, roll around reading comic books, play with the dog and squabble over Monopoly.]
Then there's the socially conscious hat, the nutritionist hat, the psychologist hat, the event manager hat, substitute teacher hat, mediator hat, ...and boy I could go on - but you all know that the list can be a really long one and we've all heard enough about that too. Seriously. I mean, the socially conscious hat is always struggling with teaching manners versus doing what's right. The nutritionist hat will not allow you to supplant dal-rice with Maggi. The psychologist hat just wants to be eaten.
So, in the speedy juggling of several hats, if we are going to have a book of How to Parent thrown in, guess what? It throws us.
That chewed up psychologist hat has to come out and insist on some serious introspection and how in retrospect we all suck. And boy! How to keep juggling if you think you suck?
And you know what - I don't think that we do. We are all trying really really hard to just keep our heads above water. Do we have principles? Yes. Do we live by them? As far as possible. Are the children happy and healthy? We try and do what it takes to ensure this. Do we respect them as individuals? Yes - for the most part!
And we are tired of books and articles telling us how to get it right!
You know, NO-ONE (and I don't care who thinks they have got it down pat - they simply don't) can get being a parent right unless they are not one. What I mean is you can run all the studies you like, pontificate until the cows come home, come to all kinds of very rational conclusions and recommendations, but, at the end of the day, only a parent that is present, who is involved in their child's life, is on duty come rain or shine, knows.
So don't spout your Harvard, Hampshire, Oxford bullshit at me. I'm not impressed.
I found this a very interesting read. It resonated and reminded me of an article I had written where I also touched upon the anxiety of societal and peer pressure on kids. https://uncity.blog/2016/04/28/first-blog-post/ .
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, Chetan! I also checked out your blog - the link above. I am so pleased that there are other people who feel the way I do! I am looking forward to meeting you and your wife soon at the workshop!
DeleteYou got it Ashwini...and no parent is perfect either..with so many hats to don it can become so daunting and the joy of having a child can go off...instead just live and do what your conscience tells you..when to do the right thing..:)
ReplyDelete