LOVING YOUR SINGLE SELF
“The greatest love of all
Is happening to me.
I found the greatest love inside of me.”
The journey of a single person is not an easy one. And it gets harder when we keep trying to look for something we think we don’t have or that we think we “need”.
The easiest way to feel loneliness, is to reject yourself in your constant search for someone else.
Unfortunately, this kind of yearning and burning is fed and reinforced by popular culture. We are conditioned to think that we have to have another person joint to us at the hip in order to make it through this world with a smile on our faces.
It is undeniable that to share a special connection with someone can be extremely satisfying.
It is also undeniable that to crave it can be terribly unhealthy. Why? Because you use blinders to focus on this one path, and that could prevent you from seeing everything else that is beautiful in your life - mainly yourself. And perpetual disappointment feeds unhealthy beliefs about the self and others.
This also brings me to the all the research that help us understand this need for “love” (external) as an addiction. It’s like we are constantly looking for a “fix”.
In my humble opinion, we need to retrain our brains and minds to look for that fix within, to be able to hold space for ourselves when we need it, and to really really love ourselves.
As an expert on relationships said, "Loving and connecting with yourself is the key to being able to love and connect with others and create loving relationships. Loving yourself is the key to creating a passionate, fulfilled, and joyful life." (Margaret Paul, PhD, Co-Founder of Inner Bonding)
Clubhouse
11:30 AM
6th February 2022
The Singles Club India
‘Loving Your Single Self’
Without saying who said what, I am going to sum up what we did discuss and present it here. There were times when we got derailed here and there by those who couldn’t wrap their heads around the concept of just the single journey without always needing to compare it to that other journey of the relationship. However, we did manage to get some good gold!
1. OK with being Single:
Once you have achieved this level, that’s where you’re real journey of self love, as a single person, begins.
We’ve talked about this before so I don’t want to rehash it. Being OK with being single is when you come to terms with the end of a relationship. You accept that there is no going back and now you have to move forward.
Many people (my past self included) do the easiest thing.
If I use my earlier (see blog) analogy of a car break-down, what do the passengers - who now decide to go their separate ways) - do?
You could call for help.
You could flag down the next car that passes by / stops for you.
You could walk the whole way to your next destination.
The easiest one is to hop in the next car that stops. Not really the best thing to do, because you haven’t resolved your breakdown. You’ve left that still smoking and you’ve run off towards an unknown destination. Kinda irresponsible, no?
If you call for help, and help arrives in the form of mechanics and friends, you know you’re in safe hands for a while, and you have time to get your plans in place, while someone lugs away the wreck and you can dust your hands off or grab a drink with a friend.
A great option.
And if you decide to walk the whole way to wherever next, well, you’ve just bought yourself a whole lot of time to consider what lies ahead, all the time working on your strength and stamina too. In my opinion, the best option.
Well, I’d call for help and then walk the whole way.
2. What does self love look like?
There are a fair number of articles out there that tell you what to do as a single in search of self love. And what we discussed wasn’t too dissimilar. Here are some key takeaways:
- Discover and enjoy the things that make you happy - for some it’s dressing a certain way or in certain colours! For others, it’s the ability to enjoy a movie alone, or bring home flowers as you like.
- Prioritise your health - physical fitness is important to mental well-being.
- Take up any hobbies you want without wondering if it would suit someone else.
- Spend time with the people who matter to you (friends and family).
- Don’t feel guilty when you work too hard or party too hard - do it your way.
- Take time to reflect on what makes you happy and what drives you.
- Learn to set boundaries with others - what is OK with you and what is not.
As I read somewhere recently: be that person whom you would fall in love with and marry!
3. Develop a relationship with yourself:
Learn to take care of you.
Silence the self-critic that usually rides high in us.
Give room to the nurturing side of you. Show yourself a little - no, a lot of - compassion.
Stop judging yourself through the eyes of others.
GIVE A DAMN!
4. Why is it so important to love yourself?
Someone asked, if we keep on this path of self-discovery and self-love, won’t we become self-obsessed?
The answer to that is, “No. Because you aren’t only healing yourself, you are creating a whole person, when you work so closely with yourself, learning who and what you are.”
We are born with the “self” and the “self” is our one true entity. I could spout some spiritual texts and tell you that it is the “I” that is the one truth, one with the universe, and your impartial guide and observer, in everything you do. If you can be true to that “I” or your true “Self”, then only can you be happy.
But to make it simpler: as a whole person, you will stop craving that “other”.
You will have less conflict with yourself and others. Your expectations of others and yourself will become more realistic. You will also therefore be less judgemental and critical - of both yourself and others.
When this happens, you will send out positive vibrations into the universe and at some point, when you are ready, you will connect with someone else on a similar journey and path.
And YES, your ultimate goal of being with someone else will and can be achieved. Just that this time you both know exactly who brings what to the table, and you can navigate together, in a new car, in a safe and mature way.
5. Teach self-love earlier in life.
I think this is an important take away, especially for those of us who are parents.
All too often as kids, we only learn through reprimanding, punishment, harsh words, criticism and a whole lot of sarcasm. A sure formula for terrible self-esteem. And it’s hard to love yourself if you don’t really respect yourself.
Stop constantly criticising your kids. They are here because of you. They thrive on love. You have the experience of decades. You owe it to them to be patient and kind and rewarding. You know best that these are the kinds of motivators that best work with humans. Not everything is about the stick, as the colonisers of old would have had us believe.
6. Learn the art of forgiveness.
This is something not found anywhere else, or in other articles that I read. However, this is a skill that one can acquire, hone and successfully implement in any and all stages in life.
This is not just the ability to forgive others the hurt or injustices they may have carried out against you. Forgiveness also implies the ability to forgive yourself for any grievances you are responsible for (after you have made amends of course).
Ultimately, the bottom line (as I am fond of saying) is that you need to be able to do anything at all that you want to do, as long as you do not hurt another person. That rule applies to all human beings, not just single ones!
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