Why we are the way we are Part I
I hold an MA in Psychology, so sometimes what I post is not all opinionated drivel. I think it is OK to assume that there is some insight into what I say. Of course nothing is Gospel. Today I want to talk about Attachment.
As we grow - in age and maturity - we invariably learn much about ourselves. Or the expectation of living through various experiences is that time and life teach us a thing or two about ourselves, and with that comes a deeper understanding of who we are.
One of the key aspects of who we are is how we relate to others, especially in intimate relationships. There is a tremendous amount of literature on the topic of love and relationships and sifting through this en-masse is a challenge. However, having perused some amount of it I believe there are some things which stand out. Predominant amongst these is the concept of Attachment.
Introduced to modern Psychology by John Bowlby (1907-1990), the idea of attachment schemata is that how we related to our primary caregivers as children and how that relationship affected each of us, determines how we as adults form and maintain relationships with intimate partners. In other words, how your mother related to you as a baby / toddler / child becomes the foundation for how you are with your romantic partner / wife/ husband.
Read this article to gain some insight into attachment types:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship
I have realised that I have an anxious/insecure attachment type. And I realise that along the way I have picked up some avoidant style traits as well to further fortify my (somewhat dysfunctional) attachment behaviours! In the wake of Deepika Padukone coming out with her depression story, I figure one way toward healing is to outwardly acknowledge and accept all that we are.
After all we are all flawed. What shame can be there in accepting that fact, examining the flaw, and trying to work on it?
Our (read my) generation is peppered with unhappiness. Every second person I meet these days is either divorced, about to be divorced or in a marriage that is a sham. What does this say about how we work together as couples? What does this say about how we were parented? Did a whole generation of parents screw up? Was it some kind of extra-cultural influence that has triggered an epidemic? Why is it so hard to have a secure attachment with another person? [Mind you, this has nothing to do with the whole marriage as an (obsolete) institution debate - that's not being considered today.]
Some of us live through relationships in fear of abandonment. Others avoid relationships altogether to avoid intimacy. Still others are insecure, clingy and make themselves miserable with doubt and mistrust. Some manage to find an inner peace to cope with these feelings, or repress them. Few and far between are those who are secure, content, trusting and expressive.
This piece is just to get you all thinking. I have clearly got myself thinking. Will certainly say more on all of this next time.
As we grow - in age and maturity - we invariably learn much about ourselves. Or the expectation of living through various experiences is that time and life teach us a thing or two about ourselves, and with that comes a deeper understanding of who we are.
One of the key aspects of who we are is how we relate to others, especially in intimate relationships. There is a tremendous amount of literature on the topic of love and relationships and sifting through this en-masse is a challenge. However, having perused some amount of it I believe there are some things which stand out. Predominant amongst these is the concept of Attachment.
Introduced to modern Psychology by John Bowlby (1907-1990), the idea of attachment schemata is that how we related to our primary caregivers as children and how that relationship affected each of us, determines how we as adults form and maintain relationships with intimate partners. In other words, how your mother related to you as a baby / toddler / child becomes the foundation for how you are with your romantic partner / wife/ husband.
Read this article to gain some insight into attachment types:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship
I have realised that I have an anxious/insecure attachment type. And I realise that along the way I have picked up some avoidant style traits as well to further fortify my (somewhat dysfunctional) attachment behaviours! In the wake of Deepika Padukone coming out with her depression story, I figure one way toward healing is to outwardly acknowledge and accept all that we are.
After all we are all flawed. What shame can be there in accepting that fact, examining the flaw, and trying to work on it?
Our (read my) generation is peppered with unhappiness. Every second person I meet these days is either divorced, about to be divorced or in a marriage that is a sham. What does this say about how we work together as couples? What does this say about how we were parented? Did a whole generation of parents screw up? Was it some kind of extra-cultural influence that has triggered an epidemic? Why is it so hard to have a secure attachment with another person? [Mind you, this has nothing to do with the whole marriage as an (obsolete) institution debate - that's not being considered today.]
Some of us live through relationships in fear of abandonment. Others avoid relationships altogether to avoid intimacy. Still others are insecure, clingy and make themselves miserable with doubt and mistrust. Some manage to find an inner peace to cope with these feelings, or repress them. Few and far between are those who are secure, content, trusting and expressive.
This piece is just to get you all thinking. I have clearly got myself thinking. Will certainly say more on all of this next time.
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