Redefining Happily Ever After

One of the activities we have at our Singles Club (online) is a Clubhouse (the audio platform and app) session every Sunday where we discuss something pertinent to being single. Last Sunday, 21st November 2021, was our second session and we talked about the expectations and challenges of dating at this point in our lives, i.e. after having been there and done that (and more) before.

Without naming names, as I want to post this blog publicly, here’s what we found out about ourselves.

Expectations

Let’s start with expectations. Why? Because in life, every time we enter a new chapter or phase, we usually go in with some picture of what it may be like or some preconceived notions. 

As some of our participants noted, when we were young and in our twenties, dating didn’t hold as much anxiety as it does now. As a twenty something, we walked into scenarios happily, with confidence, without fear, with a lot of excitement and the strength to endure whatever life brought you.

Twenty years - or even 30-40 years - after being 20-something and having soldiered through the growing years, and arriving somewhat better for wear at where we are now, what are our expectations? Surprisingly enough they are simple:

Expect to get what you give

Our priorities have changed and increased as we have aged. At least for a lot of us, in addition to looking out for ourselves we also have to look out for our children now. If not children, there are always other responsibilities - work, home, pets, parents etc. - most of which we did not have to worry about as 20-somethings.  Therefore, naturally, we can only give a certain portion of time and energy to another person, and it is only fair to expect the same in return.

Nobody really thinks about marriage anymore. But everyone in the discussion did agree that it would be nice to have someone to talk to - more than anything else.

It would in fact be fair to say that nobody expects the moon and stars. In fact, we don’t even want them. To have someone who gets what you’re talking about, gives you some love and affection, empathy, and company, is almost enough.

Almost? Well, there will always be the question of compatibility and that initial spark where a little chemistry needs to kick in. Beyond that it seems to be more about companionship than anything else.

Be honest - about your relationship status

This is a tricky one. Almost everyone in the session admitted to being taken for a ride by someone they had been interested in. It seems to be commonplace for men and women (reasons unclear) to pose as single and then during the course of the dating, reveal that they are in reality not single at all. 

What this kind of duplicitous dealing does is to raise unsuspecting hopes and then dash them against the jagged rocks of a hidden reality. If you are someone who has done this, we hope you realize that it is terribly unfair to the person who is truly single and wanting to discover that special bond again with someone.

Not only is it unfair but with repeated occurrences we develop fear. A terrible fear of disappointment. Which then just leads to avoidance. And the single person swears to remain single until such time as s/he feels that need to be “unsingle” again. And on it goes.

Be less judgemental

We used to be pretty cut and dry when someone failed to check all our boxes on the first date. Over time we’ve learnt that it pays to be a little patient. That perhaps it takes more than one meeting to know if someone is a fit or not. 

Sometimes, on a first date, people can be nervous, intimidated, be having a bad day, or, for a number of other reasons not be their best selves that day. If most things check out, then maybe it is worth meeting again just to know you gave someone a fair chance.

That being said, it’s not an excuse for people to be dishonest about their relationship status right from the start.I think we all agree that as far as possible you should put all your cards on the table straightaway. 

The key to a fresh start in dating again is to go into it with no expectations (beyond the basic ones above). As one member pointed out: “The more expectations you have, the less chance you have of making a success of this.” 

Challenges

So now we know what expectations we have - or try not to have, and we are now sitting across from this person whom we have now met twice (let’s say), what are some challenges we may face?

Staying alert

Unfortunately, whether we like it or not, the journey of life takes its toll on each one in different ways. Some people can and do continue to be deceptive even though you may be an open book to them.

So, sadly but really, you cannot rest assured you’ve met your match for a while into the relationship. Keep your “antennae” up, as someone on the group said. Be alert for things like:

• Inability to take calls post work hours

• Unable to commit to meeting

• Always busy after hours

• Someone waiting at home

These are all signs that they are hiding a relationship - most likely a marriage - from you.

Again, why do people do things like this? There’s no one answer. Some want excitement outside a dead marriage. Some are just compulsive cheaters. Others are compulsive liars. Take your pick.

So yeah, while it is a challenge to do this, make it a priority until you know very clearly that this person is free from prior commitments and can focus on you.

Know your/their state of mind

It is one thing to still be technically tied to someone and then it is quite another to be emotionally and psychologically still attached to another.

It’s not uncommon at all to find that this very single person sitting across a candle-lit table from you can only talk about how wonderful his ex-spouse (partner) is. And while part of you must admire him for being a positive kind of person, you may find it hard to displace said ex and become the apple of the eye.

So, watch out for this unusual display of affection/attachment towards the ex. And if it seems to be disproportionately consuming of time, space, and conversation, you may want to ask for the cheque early.

Be even more wary if this person is you.

Research

So you have asked for honesty and you’re watching for signs, but have you done your due diligence? Have you dug into cupboards and scrutinised some skeletons? You owe it to yourself to do some background work on your new interest. 

Google them, google the ex, stalk them (a little only) on social media, talk to their friends, etc. etc. etc. Only you know what you want to know, so go for it. At the very least find out that his name is what he says it is. And maybe that he has the job he said he does, and that he lives where he said he does.

Search and Research are always good undertakings in relationships. One Leads to discovery and the other to proof of discovery!

Stay Positive

It would seem that although we apparently tread carefully and keep our expectations to a minimum, the challenges still outweigh the promises of dating in your second innings. But hold on! There’s much to be said about the approach you use.

Be open

Yes, easier said than done, but essential if you ever want to get on with it. Be open to meeting new people and having different experiences. 

The bald man across the room may not be that knight you imagined as a girl, nor the mother-of-two your damsel. But try a conversation or two before deciding to write someone off. You never know where you find what you’re looking for. As another group member rightly said, “A great relationship can come from anywhere. Things you expect to work out don’t and sometimes you get kindness, empathy, and love from unexpected places.”

Stay Curious

As human beings, we are generally a curious bunch. Sometimes though, with age/experience we can become jaded and uninterested. Try to stay interested. Not only will it keep your mind active, but a curious attitude will also keep you thinking positive and hopefully less cynical. 

When I say curious I don't mean stalk your new interest from birth to yesterday. I mean ask questions, find out what makes them tick, see if you have some unexplored ideas and plans to share with them. Start an adventure! Or even just see if you can share quiet moments?

Be Creative

Finally, I think what we learnt from the entire discussion was that we have to change our expectations, redefine our frameworks, and, to some extent, relearn our language of relationships. 

Not everything has to be as society prescribes it. Given that most of us are where we are purely circumventing societal norms, we need to apply a similar construct to relationships in our second/third innings.

Find a new approach. Learn a new language. Get creative.